This post today is for me. Because there are days when fear creeps in, when anxiety seizes my soul, when my heart just feels troubled… And these are the days that I have to make a concerted effort to trust.
Trust doesn’t come naturally. I’ve had people talk about what faith we have- and I’m shocked. Surprised that anyone would think that. Because I am a messy human with messy human instincts and some days I just. Don’t. Know. Trusting doesn’t make sense and doesn’t come easy and scares me to death.
By now, most of you reading this blog know all about my Harper. And you know that after a year of no complications she decided to stir things up and have a massive, life-threatening seizure several months ago, which earned her new medications and a bed in mom and dad’s room. It was a reminder that her condition is unpredictable, and that while we trust God’s plans for her, things can be uncertain. Well, aside from some sleeping issues and mood swings, she has recovered well from that episode and we have slowly loosened the reigns a little and have felt more confident that she’s back to normal.
But yesterday morning, in the wee hours before daylight, we awoke to her vomiting. She did it three times, and seized on the third. It was a small seizure, only about a minute long, and she was in my arms when it happened, so it really wasn’t cause for alarm. She went to sleep afterwards, and was completely back to normal when she awoke later.
So, medically speaking, I know this is no need for concern. Lots of people deal with seizures every day and this one was not bad at all. Honestly, episodes like that are almost expected every so often given the way her brain looks. They actually expect much worse, so we are blessed if this is all we have to handle. But, it happened, and it has this mama back on high-alert… Because how would that have panned out had I not been right there when it happened? I know not to play the “what-if” game, but I now have this drive to be even more vigilant once again in watching and trying to protect her.
However, I have to choose to trust. I can’t protect any of my children from everything. Ultimately they aren’t even mine- they’re His, and I have to believe in the promises of the One who can protect them, the One who formed them and designed them and numbered their days. When Satan tries to fill my mind with fear and doubts and “what-ifs,” I have to take those thoughts captive and instead fill up with the Good News of the One who loves my babies even more than I do. Sometimes trust is a choice, something we have to work at… And today my prayer is that I keep making that choice.
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me? -Psalm 56:3-4
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. -I John 4:18
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock. -Isaiah 26:3-4
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:6-7
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. -John 14:27