Another day, another doctor…
As time has gone on, I realize I share less and less about what goes on behind the scenes with this girl. I think partly because we’re tired, and partly because it seems that we shouldn’t still have things going on after almost 9 years of this journey.
But the truth is, we’re still dealing with things. It’s still hard. We force her to take meds twice a day as she complains about the number of pills she has to swallow each time. We don’t get a lot of sleep as she battles seizure activity in her dreams and comes to find us on the wee hours of the morning when she just can’t find rest anymore. We still spend our days balancing doctor visits, therapy appointments, and medical-related phone calls and emails. Her memory is still shot and schooling is a daily repetition of basic concepts she just cannot remember. And the older she gets, the more emotional and anxious she is about all of the tests and procedures…the more aware she is about what’s going on and the more it breaks my heart to listen to her cries and questions.
Just last night I watched her fight away tears and muster up bravery to get an IV, but then break down screaming for me in the MRI machine until they had to give up and call it quits.
As a parent, it all starts to feel a bit like you’ve failed in some way. You take one step forward and get knocked three steps back and you wonder what in the world you’re doing wrong?
But then you watch this very same kid hop out of bed full of life and joy first thing in the morning. She grabs her trusty bear and bounces out the door for another day of testing without a second thought. She talks through her worries, expresses her feelings, but keeps on keeping on. She persists.
And so that’s what we do… we persist. Yes, it’s not always easy. In fact, it rarely is. Yes, we are weary. Yes, it just doesn’t seem fair. Yes, the options are few. Yes, we know the odds are not exactly in our favor.
But yes, we know our God is great and His plans are for good, and His strength is made perfect in our weakness. We know He never runs out of options and His plan isn’t contingent on our circumstances. So we persist.
Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised… But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who have faith and preserve their souls.