Category: mommyhood

Hosanna

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This morning we grabbed our Bibles and notebooks (and Mommy’s caffeine), gathered on the couch, and read the account of Jesus’ entry into Jerusalem… That familiar story we’ve read each Palm Sunday.  You know the one… Where Jesus’ disciples obeyed his command to go get the colt…  How everything transpired just as Jesus said it would…  How this young, untrained animal carried the Savior of the world into town…  And how the people saw Jesus coming and threw down their cloaks and palm branches, shouting, “Hosanna!” (Which literally means save us.)

Oh, what a refreshing reminder this was to kick off this week!  This familiar story that we’ve read and read came alive with fresh meaning once again.  Beginning with the fact that Jesus knew what was happening and why it was happening… And He still does.  He knew where the colt was, He knew what needed to be said, and He knew that it all needed to happen as it happened for a purpose- His purpose.  He is the Son of God.  He could have ridden into town on a more majestic animal.  He could have split the sky open and come into town with thunder and lightning and let them know the king had arrived.  He created the universe, for crying out loud!  But that wasn’t the plan.  That didn’t fulfill the prophecy, and it wouldn’t have suited the purpose.  He knew the message that needed to be relayed, and He knew the means by which to relay it.  He knew all that needed to be known then, and He still knows now.

Do you see the recognition of the Savior in this account?  From the disciples sent to get the animal to the young colt to the people on the side of the road, they all saw Jesus for who He is.  The disciples didn’t question Jesus when He told them to go take this animal that would be tied up.  When you read that, it sounds preposterous!  Walk down the road until you see this colt tied up, then untie it and take it away without permission?  That would certainly raise some questions.. .but the disciples just obeyed.  They trusted their Lord, trusted His instruction, trusted His plan, and it worked.  And when they brought this animal to Him, it seemed to know its Creator, its Master, and it calmly obeyed His command and carried Jesus into town.  The people watched for Jesus, and threw down their cloaks to pave the way for the King, calling out Hosanna!, recognizing Jesus as the One who saves.  What a word to each of us- a call to pause and see Jesus for who He is, to worship Him, to bow before Him, to praise His name and proclaim Him as the only One who can save us.  In this time where everyone is looking for someone to step in and save the day, what relief there is in knowing that ultimately there is One who can bring us the salvation we all long for!

Yes, these were indeed great reminders for me on this Monday. But do you know what was even more remarkable?  My children.  I directed them to this passage this morning, but they made the connections.  They retold the account to me with enthusiasm, reading deeper than the words on the page, pointing all of us to Jesus.  It was more than palm branches and riding on a donkey.  They got it, and they shared it, and my heart swelled with love as I saw them get excited about Him.  And as much love and joy as I felt in that moment watching my children love Jesus and talk about Him with such passion, there was the slightest twinge of guilt… because just how often does my Father’s heart swell with love because of my bubbling over about Jesus?   Certainly not as often as it should.  As these girls of mine learn and grow in Him, I find more and more that I am steadily learning and growing just as much alongside them.

She fights (we wait)

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First, let me start by saying that I write these detailed posts as a way to keep note of all of the events we go through with Harper.  It helps us to have a record of when things have happened, and also to look back for patterns as we go through more and more of these episodes.  I share for those of you who ask for specific ways to pray for her.  That being said, we awoke to another eventful day with Harper today.  At first I was amazed that I was able to get up before her and get the day going, but now I know that I should be alarmed when she’s off of her schedule.  She did wake up and make it out of bed on her own, but when she came to me she was barely able to walk, was not talking, and she couldn’t maintain eye contact with me.

It amazes me how much of a routine we have developed with these seizures now.  Everyone stays so calm.  My oldest daughter automatically starts noting the time for me as we get Harper on her side on a quilt on the floor and gather towels for when she vomits.  We get the phones ready- one for me to dial 9-1-1 and the other for the girls to call family, and get the emergency medicine ready for use.  There’s even a bag packed and ready to go with a day’s worth of essentials for Harper and Mom.

So far every seizure has been different.  Just Sunday she seized while we were at church- running wide open down the hall and suddenly fell and started mildly seizing.  On that day she had a series of small seizures over 15-20 minutes and then fell fast asleep and that was it.  Today started as the series of small seizures over ten minutes, but then progressed into a full-blown seizure that lasted ten minutes straight.  This seizure was also impairing the left side of her body, whereas we normally see it only on the right side.  However, because her entire body was seizing and her muscles were so tight, I was not able to administer her meds- and then she came out of it and started fighting me about the time the paramedics arrived.

Due to our last experience and her tendency to relapse into seizures during these spells, we were strongly advised to go on to the hospital, and Harper continued to fight all the way there.  She was not thrilled to ride in the ambulance, and did not care to have everyone mess with her today.  We were greeted by the same doctor we saw just a couple of weeks ago, and he remembered us and knew exactly how to proceed.  He ordered the blood work, but getting that blood was yet another battle.  For some reason it is a major ordeal to gain IV access on Harper- she doesn’t have easy veins.  Today was no exception, and it was particularly challenging given her feisty temperament… She was much more alert today than she has been in the past.  The first team of nurses that attempted laughed at her strong fight and told me to be encouraged because she is obviously going to do great things with all of that strength and determination!

A team came down from the pediatric unit and we all worked together to hold her down while they finally got her IV started.  The blood work for today only showed that she was dehydrated, so she was given IV fluids and we were able to go home.  She did not seize anymore at the hospital, so we were able to avoid any of those awful, heavy-duty medications that make her so loopy and unable to function, praise God!  They are also testing her levels of seizure medication to see where we stand with her current dosage- too little can cause seizures, but too much can cause seizures.  And of course we’re also concerned that she may not be getting the full dose in her each time due to the fight we have at home over medicine, so these test results should shed some light on that for us.

This journey is becoming quite surreal for me at this stage.  So often these days I feel like I’m watching someone else’s life.  I don’t really have the words for it.  We were sent into such a whirlwind of crazy events when Harper was first born, and her first year was a steady progression forward, just watching God answer prayers as she met milestone after milestone.  Then we had a year of “normal.”  And then the first seizure came, and we had close to a year of “normal” again… but now it seems that this strange turn of events is our new normal as the seizures come more and more frequently.  She’s had three seizure episodes (episodes because she has multiple seizures each time) in barely two and a half weeks, two of which resulted in ambulance rides and hospital visits.  We don’t know yet why she’s suddenly having them more and more or what is triggering them.

I’ve spent my life planning out my next step.  When things happen, I want to know what the game plan is.  Well, here is my game plan- wait.  We take life a day at a time, sometimes an hour (or a minute) at a time.  We cannot predict what comes next.  We prepare as much as we can- we keep our appointments, administer the meds, document the changes, keep the bags packed, develop our emergency plans, keep her within arms reach 24/7 (yes, she even sleeps with us now), avoid germs as much as possible- but the truth is life is unpredictable.  The only thing certain, the only constant, the only assurance we have, is that God is faithful.  He has plans for our good, and for Harper’s good, and those plans are to ultimately bring Him glory.  So, we learn to be patient, we learn to wait, we learn to accept, and we learn to trust.

Wait patiently for the LORD. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the LORD.
-Psalm 27:14

But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.
-Isaiah 40:31

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
         And do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
         And He will make your paths straight.
-Proverbs 3:5-6

Mommin’ ain’t easy

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Okay, have y’all seen all the shirts advertised right now that say, “Mommin’ ain’t easy”?  Seriously.  Those should be handed out like trophies at the hospital when you give birth- swaddle those newborn babies up in that shirt as they go home because every mama will understand those words all too soon.

Moms, our work is not easy.  It doesn’t matter if you’ve given birth or God has blessed you through adoption… If you work a full time career outside of the home or work odd jobs to make ends meet… If you home school or private school or public school… If you’re the “fun” mom or the “tough” mom… If your house stays clean (bless you) or if you wade over the piles to get in bed at night… If you have one kid or twenty… being a mom is hard.

The struggle is real and I get it.  I’ve had the days where I’m not sure if I’m running a home for my family or the mentally insane.  I’ve been hit, scratched, spit on, yelled at, called names… All in one day.  I have had to make hard choices and discipline when it hurts- and yes, sometimes it truly does hurt me more than it does them.  I’ve had moments of patience and moments of yelling, days full of tears and nights full of prayers.  I’ve helped a threatening runaway pack her bags and I’ve run away myself a time or two (but only as far as Target, so don’t freak out on me!).

But, here’s the thing- It. Is. Worth. It.  Yes, some days are hard and you just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, and some of those days grow into weeks or months, but every second of every battle is worth it.  You see, these little humans that we have been given charge of here on earth were given to us for a purpose.  God designed them for us and us for them.  He knew that you would be the perfect mom for your child, that you have the qualities and characteristics that your baby needs not just to survive, but to thrive- and that your kiddo also has the very thing you need to develop and grow and become more Christ-like.  Because this mom-thing isn’t just about us teaching and molding them- it’s a learning process for us, too.

Right now it’s hard to see beyond the dirty diapers and sleepless nights, the piles of laundry and the toys in the floor.  It’s difficult to see how cooking another dinner that will be met with grumbles and complaints will bring glory to the kingdom of God, how wiping up another spill could possibly lead someone to Christ, or how refereeing the umpteenth argument over Legos or Uno (or some other catastrophic event) is an opportunity to share the love of Jesus.  But guess what, weary mama?  It all matters.  All of the little, tiny, seemingly-unimportant moments make up a big, beautiful picture painted by a big, beautiful God- and He doesn’t make mistakes.

Your work is not in vain.  Keep pressing forward, knowing that every word spoken and every deed done is making an eternal difference.  You are loved, and you are doing a mighty work.

 

 

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. -Galatians 6:9

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.  -I Corinthians 10:31

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.                      -Colossians 3:23-23

 

My help

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I’m not even gonna lie… The past three days have felt like at least three weeks.  Considering everything, Harper is once again doing amazingly well.  She is back to talking and playing and being silly in between her meltdowns (aka the Keppra cries).  Her appetite is up and down, her moods are swinging, and her sleep is restless at best, but we can see that personality that we so adore.

But, being sleep deprived and dealing with the screaming spells and watching her every breath and the constant worry has stress levels high around here.  So, today, we decided to escape the confines of our house and venture outside.  I’m a bit leery of public excursions still (crowds and germs and overstimulation and meltdowns, oh my!) so we drove to see Daddy.

As we were riding along, the girls were all quiet, Mommy was deep in thought, and the radio was playing softly in the background.  It was oddly peaceful for our crew, and then I heard the sweetest little voice singing, “My help comes from you…”  Apparently the song Shoulders by for King & Country was on, and Harper decided to sing along.

I can’t say for sure what Harper’s purpose is- why she has had to endure what she has or what her future holds.  But I know that God uses her daily to remind me of Who He is, to direct my eyes back to Him, to show me that He is still there.  Hearing her little voice singing out where her help comes from shifted my focus in that moment to the words in Psalm 121:

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.

My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.

He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.

Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is thy keeper: the Lord is thy shade upon thy right hand.

The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.

The Lord shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.

The Lord shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.

Friends, this world offers all kinds of help, and some of it is indeed beneficial.  But our ultimate source of help for any and every situation big or small is God.  He alone can meet our every need.  He alone can sustain us.  He is my keeper, He is my daughter’s keeper, and He is your keeper.  Whatever you’re facing, lift your eyes unto the hills…