We were late to our check-up at the doctor, and we battled over socks. You see, my littlest is on this color kick- everything is identified by its color… The yellow chair, the red shirt, the brown floor, the white door, and, on this day, the blue sock. But, the blue socks didn’t match her Christmas shirt and hair bow, and I pleaded with her to wear the socks that matched.
Well, this one is a fighter, stubborn and strong-willed, and I lost the sock battle. We donned the blue socks and rushed to our appointment, where she showed off and chatted and danced and was full of life. We reviewed her medical records, marveled over the miracles, and returned home with a perfect bill of health.
Back home, she snacked and played with her sisters as mommy cleaned house and checked messages- one from a friend saying I had been on her mind and she had been praying for me. The sun shined, the girls giggled, and life was a perfect normal. But (there’s always a but), as I passed through with my basket of laundry, I noticed her alone, crouching by the front door. I called her name and she looked at me, but her response was slightly delayed. I walked over and checked on her, and she seemed fine, so I went about my business. However, a few minutes later I realized she was still there, sitting by the front door, not moving. This time when I called her name, there was no answer, no response.
She was having a seizure- which I should be well prepared for. If you’ve seen her brain scans, you’d be surprised that she doesn’t seize more than she does! But, it has been almost a year since we’ve seen a real seizure in her, and she had just been so completely normal all morning. I called my oldest to start watching the clock for me, and I got on the phone, calling for backup just in case. I will admit, I was eerily calm, but I was in denial. This seizure didn’t look like what I thought seizures looked like, and I truly did not want to believe we were dealing with that. But, after timing for seven minutes, I knew we had to call the paramedics.
There was a lot of confusion as we made our way to the hospital and got checked in. She was not convulsing, so initially no one was sure if she was indeed still seizing. They were hesitant to treat her as a result… But then she went into a full-blown, grand mal seizure and there was no doubt. They battled to get IV access as we prayed over her, and by the time they gained access it took two rounds of heavy duty meds to stop the seizing. That episode lasted 15 minutes, resulting in over two hours of seizure activity.
Several hours passed, during which we watched her sleep as more meds were administered and calls were made to Duke. I was overwhelmed by texts and messages of prayers for our family… and little reminders of His hand on us even in the days leading up to this.
As we sat in waiting, she was in and out of sleep… And the first words we were able to understand from her were, “I want my blue sock.” Those silly blue socks became a beacon of hope as we realized that she had not lost her ability to talk and make demands! And I had to laugh at the irony of it all- the blue socks that she insisted on wearing were the only part of her wardrobe that survived the day.
Eventually we were told we could take her home to rest and increase her daily medications- good news, but a decision that caused mixed emotion for this mama. See, while I am thankful there is nothing they need to do, it can be hard to accept that there is nothing they can do.
We’re back to the point of unpredictability. We get settled in, life seems normal again, and then she gives us a scare. There is always a fear that this will be the seizure they cannot stop- though they are few, they are longer and more difficult to control. There’s no predicting when they will come, no warning signs- and they don’t even look the same each time. And we don’t know what these prolonged seizures are doing to her brain. So many things that we can worry over and fear, so many unknowns…
But this is yet another reminder that while there are so many unknowns, we must rest in the One who does know. He is not caught off-guard. He is not worried or afraid. He formed her, he numbered her days, He designed her for His purpose, and He is still in control. He alone is our Peace.