Why.

We sat side by side in the hospital room on a Saturday night date night, watching our daughter sleep.  He vocalized the question that has plagued my heart and mind for the longest time, the question that floats around and around with no answer: “Why?”

So many why’s when it comes to this journey we’re on, yet so few explanations.  We had had a completely normal day, a perfect evening, and then the beauty of normal was ripped apart by horror as we found our daughter not just seizing, but also not breathing.  There was total chaos as we grabbed meds and made phone calls and our house filled with paramedics.  Strangers surrounded our daughter in our bed, a stretcher waited in our living room, rescue vehicles blocked our street.  

And just as quickly as the chaos ensued, all was calm.  Her little body settled down with the help of her meds and she began to breathe and then snore.  The doctor offered to admit her overnight for observation, but we declined and took her back home to rest.

The sun popped up in the morning and so did Harper, full of life and energy and conversation as if nothing had happened.  And for that we are so, so thankful.  God has been so faithful.  But yet with every episode like this we endure, the fear grows greater.  There is no explanation for why she has these seizures that are so intense.  There’s no good reason for her daily meds to not be working.  The doctors don’t know what else to do at this point.  

This is something Mommy and Daddy cannot fix, and it hurts.  We have researched and cried and prayed and asked, “Why?”  And we know the right answers- that God is in control; that His plans are “to prosper and not to harm”; that “all things work together for good”; that ultimately it doesn’t matter why but Who.  

But we are still human and it isn’t easy and some days we are just frustrated and discouraged and want answers.  Praise God we have a Father who allows us to feel these things and hears us when we cry, who comforts and encourages us in the midst of the struggle, who strengthens us and holds us up, and who loves us even when we don’t understand.  Our hope is Him alone.

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