Tonight my heart was flooded with emotions as I rocked this sweet angel to sleep.  Why?  I really can’t explain.  Today wasn’t a special date, nothing new happened… it was just an ordinary day.  Or, rather, as ordinary as our life ever is.  I was sick, Raegan was sick, it’s the last week of school, and Kirby is preparing for a two-week military leave, so the day has been filled with busyness.  My mind has been running in a million different directions and my calendar is out of empty space to write appointments in, but life just paused for a few minutes as I rocked Harper to sleep tonight.  I was rocking her while talking to Kirby and watching Maddie run around the house, and I felt Harper’s fingers lock around my finger.  In the midst of all the chaos I glanced down at her.  Time stood still as I saw that she was gazing up at me, studying my face, and when I made eye contact, she broke into this huge grin behind her pacifier… and my heart melted.  My mind drifted back to those days at Duke, when her head and face were covered with breathing tubes and drains and monitors… how I would long to see her open her eyes for just a second, how I would hold on to her tiny little hand and pray for God to work miracles in her precious body… how I wondered if I would ever hear her cry, if she would ever recognize my face, if I’d even get to hold my own baby for a few minutes, much less rock her to sleep.  And tonight I was once again humbled at God’s amazing power and love as she held onto my finger and grinned at me, and fell asleep in my arms.  I am so very grateful that God has given me this little person to be a constant reminder of how wonderful He is…

This is how we spend much of our time these days… yes, that’s right, bouncing on an exercise ball!  Of all of the things that I’ve done to calm crying babies, I never would have imagined using an oversized bouncy ball.  But for Harper, this does the trick!  For some reason that motion settles her like nothing else we do… so, we bounce.  And Mommy gets to work her core and legs at the same time- double blessings!

We’ve put many miles on our vehicle these past few months in our travels to and from Duke.  Today was our first clinic appointment with Harper, and the trip was a little emotional for both of us… We’ve driven this road to visit Harper or to leave her behind as we traveled home, but today we traveled with her.  It was an odd feeling to drive her there ourselves and carry her into the hospital… And an amazing feeling to carry her right back out of those hospital doors and load her up in the car to go back home!

I tried so hard today to get a happy, smiling picture of Harper… this is what I got:

But I love it!  This is my girl, my sweet miracle, my reminder of hope fulfilled.  Her wild hair, silly faces, and bright eyes taking in the world around her, wiggling and flapping and moving… it’s all a blessing, an undeserved gift, and this silly little picture just captures her sweet little personality and reminds me once again of how unbelievably blessed I am.

Today I heard it again.  And, just like every other time, it stopped me dead in my tracks.  My heart fell somewhere deep inside of me, and right there on the sidewalk surrounded by people I felt completely alone and desperately fought the urge to vomit.  It was the sound of a helicopter flying overhead.