Harper is the picture of what joy should look like.  An entire day of being poked and prodded and drug from one appointment to another, and she literally bounced down the hospital halls, greeting everyone she saw with smiles and her sing-song voice.  She sat patiently as they put probes all over her head, laid quietly as they ran the EEG, and allowed them to remove it all and clean her head without a whimper. The results of her testing were good.  Basically her medication is doing the job and her EEG did not show any seizure activity.  There was a discrepancy in her test between the sides of her brain, indicating that one side is not as strong.  This is due to the areas of cysts and dead brain tissue that she has, and could be the cause of the seizures… But once again, we can’t say what that will mean for the future.  It could become more of an issue down the road in terms of her learning and development, which we’ve always been warned of, but only time will tell as she grows and develops.  For now she seems to be doing just fine! We did discuss the side effects of her medication with the neurologist.  Harper has mood swings, a loss of appetite, and she does not sleep well at all.  She’s very restless and has a difficult time staying asleep, and moves constantly when sleeping.  We are trying a prescription vitamin for a month to see if that helps, and if not we’ll reevaluate with the doctors. Now we do six months of this routine, and then back to Duke for another EEG and consult with the neurologist- which will also be around the same time as our next MRI and neurosurgeon appointment.  Next week is a follow up with our pediatrician, then developmental testing at the hospital clinic here in town the following week… And then, hopefully, an uneventful spring! As I start to feel weary of this journey, fearful of the unknowns, and, well, just plain whiny, I think of my girl… Of her fight for life, her encouragement to others, her courage and strength in these scary situations, and her bubbly, giggly joy that overflows… And I know that God has blessed me with a constant reminder of His goodness in all circumstances.

My baby girl is two. TWO! That means our baby years are behind us and we are fully into toddlerhood. That right there is enough to bring on the waterworks, especially knowing that this is our last “baby”!

But this day brings with it great emotions for even more reasons. While we celebrate two  amazing years with our miracle baby, the memories of that day and the days that followed are not all grand. It was a day of fear and uncertainty, a day of tears and heartbreak as we faced an unknown future. It was a time of accepting that all of our “plans” had been made in vain, and that life is far more precious than we realized. It was learning firsthand that God is still good even when things seem terribly wrong. It was relinquishing control and embracing His plans in place of my own desires.

As a mommy, it is hard to admit that this day two years ago was not one of the best days of my life, and that even though we have been blessed and have come so far, I struggle with my thoughts and emotions on this day. As I remember the loneliness of being separated from the baby I carried for nine months and the fight she faced in the weeks that followed, I hurt. It’s a pain that few can understand. But there is healing that comes with truth, and once I admit the struggle, I am free to count the blessings once again.

And this has been another year of blessings. Dancing (oh, the dancing!) and laughter and words and love… Excitement over milestones reached, joy in accepting each day as a gift. We have a girl who loves life, who makes us smile every hour, who is a constant reminder to embrace this moment. She’s happy and mischievous and bouncy and wild.  She keeps us on our toes and shows us Who is in control. She is His, and has proven that He creates us each uniquely for a purpose.

So as we celebrate this miraculous gift of life today, I am choosing to focus not on all the painful memories of that day, but instead on one amazing moment… The moment I heard her very first cry. It was the moment I saw that she was already proving doctors wrong, the first moment she showed us her strength and fire. It was loud and clear, a warrior cry, and it was then I realized that she was a fighter with a purpose. For me, that first cry was a promise from the giver of life… And that’s what I choose to remember today!

“From life’s first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from His hand…”
(-In Christ Alone)