Tonight I snuggled up beside my littlest in the dark, turned on some praise music, and watched her fall asleep, her chubby arm draped across my chest, her head nestled just under my chin. And as I breathed her in and prayed over her, the tears came once again, as they have so many times this week.
In the dark as my tears fell, my prayers over her turned to arguing with God. Because here’s the deal- I don’t feel strong enough for this journey. Sometimes I feel certain that God must have chosen the wrong girl to walk this path. As this cycle continues day after day, month after month, year after year, my flesh grows weak. Not only do I not understand why my daughter has to go through these things, but I don’t understand why He thinks I’m strong enough to handle them. The demands are draining, the worry is wearisome, and the emotions are exhausting.
BUT- the Savior is sufficient. As I found myself in the pit of despair for the umpteenth time, I heard Him whisper, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” I don’t have to be strong, because He is. I don’t have to carry this load, because He does. And I’m not alone, because He is there every step of the way, leading me, holding my hand, and picking me up and carrying me when I can’t seem to take the next step.
I felt compelled to share the darkness of this journey- so often I get told that we are so strong and have such great faith… But the truth is, we struggle. There are very hard days. Sometimes the night seems to last forever. I cry all. the. time. I don’t ever want to mislead anyone into thinking that I am some kind of superhuman who can take anything and never stumble- Y’all, I am a hot mess these days! But God loves each of us in the state we’re in- the more of a mess we are, the more grace He bestows. He forgives me when my faith falters, He picks me up when I’m in a sobbing heap on the floor, and He holds me close when I’m terrified of what tomorrow holds. He’s real, He’s ever present, and if our journey can be used for anything, I hope that it reveals the amazing grace of a loving Savior who has plans for you. ❤️
(By the way- listen to this song… Amazing lyrics- He is for us, not against us… He makes us brave)