As much I am not enjoying this season of our life, I figured I should keep on blogging! One day we’ll look back on this time and see how much God taught us through this experience. So, here goes… Today marks two weeks since we said goodbye to Kirby. At this point, it feels like it’s been two years! Somehow I have not run out of tears, yet I have run out of energy. The reality that life goes on has hit hard this week… the world does continue to turn even if my own little world feels like it’s off its axis, so we keep pushing on.
We have been able to talk to Kirby, although the conversations have been very limited. He called once last week to verify some information, so I got to hear his voice for a whole 60 seconds! Unfortunately at that point he was very emotional and just kept telling me to ask everyone to pray. Our call was cut short when the yelling in the background commenced, so it was a rough night here. I was torn because a part of me was just so relieved to hear his voice, but I hated having to hang up knowing that he was so upset. But, the next night I got a wonderful surprise… while he was making calls to other folks, he sneaked in a call to me! It was so funny to hear him whispering and trying not to get caught, but so worth it. He reassured me that he was fine, just really missing us, and that he was going to get through this. He sounded more like himself, and that got me through the following days.
We got our first real 15-minute call Sunday evening… it was the best night of the entire week! We talked non-stop really fast, trying to get everything in that we could. I had to laugh afterwards thinking of all the nights we sit here in silence at the house… it’s amazing what a little time apart will do for a relationship! The girls both got to speak to him, and we had our share of tears in that 15 minutes, but that call made my week. In spite of the fretting over bills, and the temper tantrums of a three year old who’s missing her daddy, and the loneliness of the rest of the week, and the million things that need to be done now, and the long, sleepless nights… in spite of living life as a family separated by thousands of miles, we had a few minutes of sheer joy. And it didn’t take a lot of money, or a fancy vacation, or an elaborate date-night… it just took a short phone call.
Unfortunately, that call was three days ago, and I know not to even consider getting another one until at least Sunday (if not later). It is so very hard… I’m back to feeling that empty, hollowed-out feeling that I loathe. But, as I said in a previous post, I must focus on my blessings… and God has been pouring them out. I have been overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness of my friends. I know that people always tell you they will be there, and I always believe them. But I never imagined what that meant… being invited to dinner time and time again, offers to watch my children, having someone just come sit and hold my hand while I cry, random texts of encouragement, cards, letters, phone calls, financial assistance, flowers, prayers… the list goes on, and there just are no words to describe such blessings. God is so faithful, and I am so grateful. There is no way that I could ever repay everyone for all they’ve done.
I heard the well-known Casting Crowns song, “Praise You in This Storm,” this week… I’ve heard it a million times, but one phrase from that song has been repeated in my heart over and over again. “You are Who You are, no matter where I am.” No matter where I am on this crazy journey, or where my husband is, or what we are facing, God is still God. He is still in charge, still on the throne, still showering us with grace and love and mercy… and He absolutely deserves every ounce of praise and glory and honor. When you set your eyes on Him and His love, how can you not shout His praise?